Low sex drive

Are you in a marriage in which you and your partner have incompatible sex drives? Do you have a high sex drive and your partner has a low sex drive? Have you been unsuccessful in consumating your marriage? Does the topic of sex and intimacy create high levels of conflict that are difficult to discuss and often result in big, intense feelings? Are you feeling frustrated and stuck because you are not able to resolve your sexual drive differences?

High sex drive/low sex drive are all relative concepts. These labels that people give to themselves or their partner interfere with having more meaningful discussions. Low sex drive or high sex drive is relative. If somebody has a high sex drive because they want sex twice a day and their partner only wants sex once a day, the person who wants sex once a day has a low sex drive relative to the person who wants it twice a day. But would these people have technically low or high sex drives? No. What they would be facing is sexual incompatibility and differences. So, labeling is not a helpful way of approaching something.

Instead of labeling one another, what couples often need is to have the skills to be able to discuss differences, conditions, how they want to feel in order to have sex. Many people lack these skills. This is one area that sex therapy helps people to do – is to help them to be comfortable with their own sexuality, help them to understand what they want, what they don’t want, how they want to feel and help them to put that into words that they can express to their partner.

Other issues that can affect sex drive is if a couple, especially one that is in an arranged marriage, do not know each other very well. If they do not have a sense of comfort and safety and a feeling of connection, this will definitely impact a person’s sex drive. Marriage does not make us want to have sex. Marriage is not a shortcut to emotional intimacy and even if you spent 6 or 12 months talking to the person online that is still not enough intimacy for most people to be able to have sex. Instead, sexual intimacy/emotional intimacy has to be earned over time by having difficult, yet productive conflictual discussions in which we get to know the other person, set boundaries and navigate our differences and form agreements so that we can feel safe. If you are in a new marriage or in an arranged marriage in which you spent maybe 6 to 12 months talking to the person online or in distance and then you got married and want to have a sex life, sex may be more complicated and difficult for you. There is some work that needs to be done in order to have a productive and happy and healthy sex life. If you would like help on how to navigate this to build intimacy, to learn how to talk to your partner, get better informed about sex, sexuality and how sex works, so that you can create a happy and fulfilling sex life, contact us now at +91 2250972713 or email us at tammy@allinthefamilycounselling.com.

All in the Family Counselling and lead therapist Tammy Fontana have been providing therapy to Singapore and Southeast Asia for just under two decades. We have extensive experience in working with the Indian and Hindu community, arranged and love marriages. If you would like our help, contact us now to find out how we can help you.

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